Dear Diamond

So I’ve been feeling a pull towards this blog again. Does it say somewhere that I have to have my life figured out before I’m 30? If there is, someone please point it out to me! I’m feeling lost. I feel like I’m going around and around in circles in my life and there is no exit to get off. Its feeling stagnant and I’ve never been a fan of stagnant. Stagnant is a life coma and I’m still too young to have that. I want to travel the world, I want to live an active life, I want to meet new people. I want to marry my best friend.  But even that I’ve been second guessing. John and I are still together, but I keep thinking if I’m really truly happy with him. It hurts me so much to be thinking this, but he doesn’t put  the effort into our relationship and it hurts my heart. He told me he doesn’t want to get married. I almost slapped him when he told me. Before we started dating, I told him that I was looking for someone that I would want forever with and if he didn’t want that then he should just stop. And now he tells me? After 3 years? …I’m stuck. Do I want to pack it in and start fresh and struggle by doing so but be semi happy doing so? Or should I stay and try and  continue to build a foundation that could someday be strong? Could, should. Those words don’t help me much. I need definitive. Is it bad that I fantasize about being with other men? Flirt with a guy at work (try to at least)? Are those bad signs pointing to the inevitable? I mean, John does have his good qualities. He’s caring and good with kids (he does say he wants kids), thoughtful (when he puts the effort and doesn’t 2nd guess himself), and willing to please. But is that enough for me? I need passion too. I need spontaneous. I need effortless. I think the reason why I’m questioning is because… he is my first. My first real love, my first boyfriend. I am picky on who I chose to date. It took me many years to fully accept and love myself and demand expectations.

I hate to say it, but if another guy sweeps me off my feet, I’ll let him. Because at least he is showing that he wants me and wants to be with me. And not hide his feelings or actions. If a guy knew I had a boyfriend and still kept trying to get me, I might sway towards him. I hate saying that, because I don’t want to BE that person, that girl that does that. I would only let them though if I knew they had genuine intentions. Call me old school, but you can’t bullshit me when it comes to genuine.

Let’s just say I’ve been having really strong feelings for another guy at my office. Not to mention, really hot and forbidden fantasies. The kind where he pushes me up against his office door and just goes to town. 😉  But I’m a good girl. I don’t want break anyone’s heart. Even if that means mine does get broken.