Dear Diamond

So I’ve been feeling a pull towards this blog again. Does it say somewhere that I have to have my life figured out before I’m 30? If there is, someone please point it out to me! I’m feeling lost. I feel like I’m going around and around in circles in my life and there is no exit to get off. Its feeling stagnant and I’ve never been a fan of stagnant. Stagnant is a life coma and I’m still too young to have that. I want to travel the world, I want to live an active life, I want to meet new people. I want to marry my best friend.  But even that I’ve been second guessing. John and I are still together, but I keep thinking if I’m really truly happy with him. It hurts me so much to be thinking this, but he doesn’t put  the effort into our relationship and it hurts my heart. He told me he doesn’t want to get married. I almost slapped him when he told me. Before we started dating, I told him that I was looking for someone that I would want forever with and if he didn’t want that then he should just stop. And now he tells me? After 3 years? …I’m stuck. Do I want to pack it in and start fresh and struggle by doing so but be semi happy doing so? Or should I stay and try and  continue to build a foundation that could someday be strong? Could, should. Those words don’t help me much. I need definitive. Is it bad that I fantasize about being with other men? Flirt with a guy at work (try to at least)? Are those bad signs pointing to the inevitable? I mean, John does have his good qualities. He’s caring and good with kids (he does say he wants kids), thoughtful (when he puts the effort and doesn’t 2nd guess himself), and willing to please. But is that enough for me? I need passion too. I need spontaneous. I need effortless. I think the reason why I’m questioning is because… he is my first. My first real love, my first boyfriend. I am picky on who I chose to date. It took me many years to fully accept and love myself and demand expectations.

I hate to say it, but if another guy sweeps me off my feet, I’ll let him. Because at least he is showing that he wants me and wants to be with me. And not hide his feelings or actions. If a guy knew I had a boyfriend and still kept trying to get me, I might sway towards him. I hate saying that, because I don’t want to BE that person, that girl that does that. I would only let them though if I knew they had genuine intentions. Call me old school, but you can’t bullshit me when it comes to genuine.

Let’s just say I’ve been having really strong feelings for another guy at my office. Not to mention, really hot and forbidden fantasies. The kind where he pushes me up against his office door and just goes to town. 😉  But I’m a good girl. I don’t want break anyone’s heart. Even if that means mine does get broken.

At This Moment

Wow, so I know it has been a long while since I’ve been on here. But life has been crazy busy on the weekends, but I’ve missed being busy, so I’m not really complaining. Beats the hell out of staying in my house pulling my hair out going (mentally) crazy instead of happy crazy. Concerts with Nicole to see The National Rifle, seeing Alice in Wonderland and The Crazies and brinner afterwards with John and some Arcadia peeps and getting my nose pierced. Haven’t had much time to clean my room, hell I’ve barely had time to do laundry (which amazingly enough gets done though!) Life right now is pretty amazing. Taste of warm weather has be salivating for Spring to get here sooner! I’m itching to go out and photograph with John this summer and go to some abandoned places. I’ve never been so excited for summer (even my birthday is in summer and I hate it) ever until now! I have goals and ideas and there’s travel plans to Nashville, TN for a family reunion in the horizon. I’m excited!

I’m looking at apartments a lot more. I NEED to get out of this house! I need my own place! I’m looking at an apartment in Dublin tomorrow, hopefully its a good one! Keeping my fingers crossed!

Here’s to another good couple of months till summer! 🙂

A Heavy Heart

these past few weeks have been amazing! Hanging out with the boy as much as possible at work and at each of our houses. Getting to know each other and quickly understanding each other’s quirks. I love his silliness.

However last week I learned that one of my favorite photography professor and mentor, Judith Taylor, passed away. Everybody was shocked about it. She was so full of life and all my memories of her are of her laughing and being so enthusiastic about art, photography, and the Phillies. She changed my life. Her work was so beautiful. She mostly created photograms with natural items. Please check out her website here.

In Memory of Judy Taylor


"two birds, one black, one white, heading in opposite directions" by Judith Taylor

detail of "two birds, one black, one white, heading in opposite directions"

"mgh: window #2, east side (boston ivy)" from the green house installation project at Eastern State Penitentiary

Craving

I hate it when you miss kisses and cuddling. It’s been so long since I’ve had either and I’m always on the cusp of texting the last guy I had this with. Not a particularly good idea since he and I are only friends, and he’s my brother’s best friend. Not to mention the last time it happened, it was a bit awkward at first (not anymore). But still that doesn’t stop me from thinking, “Oh dear goodness I need to make out and cuddle, I wonder if he’d be willing to come over.”  Have you ever heard the saying “Nothing good comes after midnight?” Yea, I’ve learned that one first-hand. From random guys to bar crawls, and the outcome was always the same in the morning. That first thought of “Shit! Did I really do that last night? What was I thinking?” 99.8% of the time alcohol is involved. That blessed poison.

Now instead of reaching for my phone to text Only Friends Guy, I think about Short Hot Guy Who Always Wears A Hat or Guy That Has Same Interests As Me And Pretty Much Only One Who Asks Me Questions Guy from work. (these nicknames are only temporary, I didn’t have a chance to ask my girls [see previous post]) Which helps at first, but then I just end up craving for a more closer connection with them instead. And the cycle goes on and on. I’m so fucked up. It doesn’t help that I’m ridiculously bad at flirting either. Borderline pathetic and sad. I was doing my horrible flirting when I was in Florida via facebook statuses. Oh technology, how I love you and hate you. Despite the new year, I’m sensing a pattern with my love life. Going along the lines of… oh I don’t know… non-existent?? Can that change this year? I feel like breaking my norm. Those that know me, know I am FAR from normal. People are always telling me to be patient, but haven’t I been patient enough?? Not only that, but I’m getting mixed advice. Some say be patient, while others say to go after what I want. So which one is it? I try and trust my gut instinct, but sometimes my intuition doesn’t want to work for me. I guess I’ll be patient awhile longer.

Tampa power plant. I changed the color/saturation and aged the picture a bit.

Anyway, I thought I’d add a picture or two from my Florida trip from the manatee sanctuary we visited.

Those black shadows in the water are manatees.

Smoke stacks of the power plant

I hope y’all had a great kick start to the new year!

Bon Soir Tout le Monde!

My Thoughts Are Turning Acidic

and its no ones fault but my own. Life is always handing me out lemons. I’ve run out of salt and tequila. All that shows is a path of bad or indecisive decisions. I know it seems like all I do is complain, but that is all that seems to be happening to me. I never get the good stuff happening to me, even though I keep a constant open-mind for them. They don’t want me. Nothing wants me. I’m unwanted. I don’t blame my misery on anyone else but me. I’m the one that has to live with my unhappiness. I’m the one that chose.

I’m just tired of trying to be constantly hopeful and optimisitc. Its getting harder and harder with each heart break. I’m at the point where its hard for me to trust men or trust my feelings. I’m starting to lose the trust in myself. How I let myself fall for someone so ENTIRELY out of my league and unavailable is beyond me. I don’t know how I let myself get that carried away. That’s what really hurts. That’s why I was unsociable and had my hoodie up. I couldn’t stand the thought of people seeing my vulnerability. I hate being weak, but it seems like that’s the only thing I’m good at these days.

I need to find a man that’s strong enough to contrast my weakness and accept my vulnerability.

But I’m losing hope that there is no one that will accept my flaws without judgements. That’s all I get instead. A bunch of judgements.

That was the second time I cried at work. The week from hell is starting to return again and I don’t think I have the strength to win this battle again.

I’m scared for my future.

Quotes Keep Me Sane

“I just love photographing. I don’t do it for anyone else.” ~ Kim Weston

You know what I love doing? I love just browsing web pages of quotes about love, happiness, heartbreak, photography, art, and music and if I find a quote that particularly appeals to me, I write it down in this book I have so I can look back and remember the stages of emotion I was in the day I put the quote in. For example, if I was in a particularly sour mood about love and men, I’d look for the most heart-wrenching and depressing quotes out there and put them in my book. But something could happen to me in a span of a week where everything changes and I get happy and I find quotes about success and about my careers or passions, and I put them in.

Well I came across my book today, and I didn’t add any persay, but I have been feeling particularly lonely lately, and love free (ok, maybe I have a girlish crush on this guy at work who is only 1 year older, but he’s one of those guys you don’t know is gay or not. I’ve completely LOST my gaydar since coming to Arcadia). But no one really worthy of liking or dreaming about (except for Mr. Rob Pattinson of course!) which is unusual for me. Never really NOT liked anyone before. I get bored easily.

“It’s like my mind knows whats right but my heart is being retarded and still cares.” ~ Unknown

On a completely different note (as usual), thesis is coming together quite nicely, I have about 15 prints done so far, I have 1 roll of film alliestickto develop and I have roughly 2 rolls to take this week for thesis. So progress is definately being made! Digital Darkroom is going. I have my first crit for that class tomorrow (well, actually this afternoon, seeing as how its after midnight now). Still need to shoot a roll of color film with the Holga and get it developed for Thursday. Oh endless due dates. How I loathe you. Not condusive to an artist. Not one bit. However French…. ohhhh my French class is quite the interesting one. Not so good. Got my first test back. Not gonna lie, didn’t do exactly well. Shouldn’t have waited 2 years to take it up again. Forgot most of it. I used to be so good at the verbs!

Alrighty, I’ve rambled on quite long enough, I should get back to attempting to finish this book Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos. Quite good. Based in Philly, sarcasm that is closely related to my own. Need I ask for more?